I wrote this a while ago, but hadn't seen the final product until now. You'll find this especially funny if you're ten years old.
A definitive answer to a stupid question: Is Barack Obama a Muslim?
American Idol runner up David Archuleta has vowed to stay on the show and fight for first place despite receiving a lower number of text and phone votes than the winner, David Cook. "My supporters deserve to have their voices heard," said Archuleta, "and if you count only phone-based voting, I'm technically ahead." Even though production has wrapped for the season and no new episodes are planned until January 2009, Archuleta hopes he can appeal to the show's judges and executive producers for the top spot. "There is precedent for this," said Simon Cowell. "Clay Aiken did the same thing in season two."
They had so much crap they could no longer keep putting it on TV.
In order to help Americans with high gas prices, Senator John McCain has proposed canceling summer, ending what is traditionally the peak driving season. "Taking your family on vacation to is a big expense," said McCain, "and the best way to save money on vacation is not to go on one." Under the proposed plan, summer, which traditionally stretches from Memorial Day to Labor Day, will be phased out beginning in 2009.
Gas prices have risen by nine cents per gallon since the end of April, which was, coincidentally, around the same time that McCain and Clinton both endorsed plans to temporarily suspend the eighteen-cents-per-gallon federal gas tax. So, the theoretical savings to Americans has already been diminished by 50% since all of this political posturing began.
I'm not an elite economist, but isn't it safe to bet that gas prices will rise by even more by the middle or end of the summer at a rate that far exceeds the eighteen-cent-per-gallon discount? That's not to say that people couldn't benefit from some sort of savings at the pump, but Obama's guess that the oil companies would just "jack up" their prices if the tax is suspended is looking like yet another example of a judgment based on reality rather than polling. That theoretical $30 savings that each driver would see is getting smaller and smaller every day.
At this rate, Americans would be better off applying for a gas station credit card with a rewards program.
As the scandal over Reverend Jeremiah Wright continues, the national media is running out of puns on his last name. "We've already used 'Wright and Wrong' at least three times," said Countdown With Keith Olberman producer Jamie Dalton. "And we're more or less scraping the bottom of the barrel with 'All Wright,'" he continued. "I mean, does that even make any sense?" With "Left and Wright," and "Wright On" already reproduced on countless news tickers and on-screen graphics, the supply of Wright-based puns are at dangerously low levels. Editors and producers across the country are now considering creating puns based on the name Jeremiah, but so have only been able to come up with comparisons to a bullfrog.