April 28, 2008

Americans Rank "Issues" As #1 Issue of Campaign

As the media continues to obsess over Rev. Wright, Obama's failure to wear a flag pin, Clinton's claims of facing sniper fire, and McCain's trips on a private jet, a survey has found that the American people rank "issues" as their top concern of the 2008 presidential race. "Please, dear God," said Martin Hofflesh, a 54-year-old former steelworker, "Please let them focus on something important."

Posted by Doug at 06:14 PM

Neocon Student President Disbands Model U.N.

David Ryan, the neoconservitive president of Langford High School's student body, disbanded the Model United Nations after it refused to ratify his resolution to install a new vending machine in the school cafeteria.

(Still a work in progress...)

Posted by Doug at 06:08 PM

April 17, 2008

Less Americans Get Their News From ABC Than From Any Other Source

Following Wednesday night's debate, and the overwhelming amount of criticism being leveled at the network for its substance-free questions, I think a new slogan is in order.

Posted by Doug at 04:59 AM

April 16, 2008

Pope Defects to United States

After landing at Andrews Air Force Base, Pope Benedict XVI immediately sequestered himself in the White House, and is refusing to emerge until the United States grants him political asylum. "I want to live in a country that values freedom of expression and religion," said His Holiness, adding, "God bless America."

Posted by Doug at 11:32 AM

April 10, 2008

China Recalls Olympic Torch

After tests revealed that it had been decorated with lead paint, Chinese officials ordered a recall of the Olympic Torch, citing health and safety concerns. The torch had already been the subject of protests when it was discovered that it had been made by children earning 14 cents per day.

Posted by Doug at 11:26 AM

April 09, 2008

May Designated "May Awareness Month"

Citing the number of holidays and observances including Memorial Day, Mothers Day, Cinco De Mayo, Receptionists Day, National Osteoporosis Month, Haitian Heritage Month, and Motorcycle Safety Month, the U.S. Dept. of Calendars named May "National May Awareness Month" to bring attention to this annual four-and-a-half-week sequence of days. "It is important that we not lose sight of May's place between April and June," said Howard Haskell, whose federal agency oversees the steady passage of time each year.

Posted by Doug at 10:15 AM

April 07, 2008

Obligatory and Obvious Charlton Heston Joke

"Charlton Heston's Hands Now Actually Cold, Dead."

Posted by Doug at 01:59 PM

April 03, 2008

What's all this fuss I hear about violins on television?

I saw this headline in the Times today and did a double-take:

U.S. Cites Planning Gaps in Iraqi Assault on Basra

If the U.S. is planning clothing stores in Iraq as part of their military strategy, then maybe things aren't going as badly as people think. What's next? A Starbucks in Fallujah?

Then the headline was changed in the online edition.

Nevermind.

Posted by Doug at 12:33 PM

April 01, 2008

Democrats Call For Clinton to Drop Out of NCAA Pool

Angry Democratic leaders called for Hillary Clinton to withdraw from her party's March Madness pool after her main picks -- Cornell, Pitt and Gonzaga -- lost in early rounds. A defiant Clinton vowed to stay in until her predicted favorites of UNC, UCLA, and Kansas were able to play in the final rounds. "We must let this tournament play out as the NCAA intended," she said in a statement. In a counter measure, the Obama campaign dug up a copy of Clinton's bracket showing it filled out in pencil with the names of losing teams erased and replaced by winning teams.

Posted by Doug at 12:13 PM